


I (We)

by IdrewAcow



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Experimental Style, F/F, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 18:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 17,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19362277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdrewAcow/pseuds/IdrewAcow
Summary: "I don't like her." "She annoys me." But how do we...end up as "we?" Yuri, some swearing. Gumi/Lily, negitoro if you squint/want it to be so.





	1. I Don't Like

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Here's the first work I'm crossposting from Fanfiction. It's complete but may take a few days to crosspost in its entirety.   
> While I did re-read and update it, I'm aware that there may be a few issues with verb tenses that I failed to catch. Feel free to suggest corrections!  
> I hope you enjoy!

Personally, I don't really like Gumi.

I mean, that's my opinion, fine, but I can't lie. The girl kind of gets on my nerves.

She's always so bubbly. It gets even worse when we visit the Crypton Vocaloids. She, Miku and the twins create a huge mess. There's yelling and screaming and fussing... Can't we have a calm reunion? I'd like to talk about things with Luka and Meiko, but no, they have to do this, or go there. It's disturbing, and not in the bizarre way. They are literally a disturbance.

Sure, she's not all noise. She's also overly happy, non-stop. There's always something nice to say. Always. She's relentless. On the worst day you can imagine, she has something happy to point out. Imagine that work was a pain, it's raining, you spilled your breakfast, your lunch was covered in mould so you couldn't eat anything, you found a spider in your shoe and you tripped over the cat twice. And what does she say? The clouds are beautiful, she says. Could be worse, she says. She makes a joke. She laughs it off.

She's also kind of bipolar, I can feel it. Her songs are always freaky and nothing like her bubbly self. She can sing about being in love with a monster boy, or having multiple personality disorder, or some panda hero. She'll approach things from a puzzle angle, was it a Rubik's Cube? Or she’ll be blatantly abstract. I mean, what does Matryoshka even talk about?

I can be shallow too, I won't deny. Her looks piss me off too. I'll be direct: BOOBS. She has them. And she jams them in the tiniest places possible. Seriously, her V3 outfit stops right at the decent limit. And she hangs out with kids almost 24/7! Decency with boobies, zero. And that's a major factor in boob-owning. For me. If I had any.

Fuck her.


	2. I'm Not Fond Of

I can't say I'm fond of Lily.

I would love to be able to say that I am, don't get me wrong. But the woman bothers me somewhat.

Lily is always down; it’s a little depressing. I can't be happy for two seconds about seeing Miku, Rin and Len before she gives me the stink eye. I want to have fun, is that too much to ask? On top of that, she always has to point out the worst things in life. How is that a way to live? Complaining about work, the cat or lunch isn't a way to recognize the fight to get the job, the love for the pet you take care of or the food we have in abundance. Spending life being angry isn't for me. Not to mention that she has no sense of humor. And if she does make a joke it's crude, politically incorrect or just dark.

I'm also pretty sure she's kind of a hopeless romantic. She's always singing about love. Sometimes it's sweet, other times it's truly heartbreaking. It's as if she has an imaginary boyfriend nobody knows about and she has a new song for every stage in their relationship. Sad, really. Maybe that also explains those tattoos...

That's probably why she dresses like that: she's always been single. Alright, I'm a Vocaloid too, I don't exactly have time to socialize, either. But she's a bit older, she’s been around longer: her life is set by now! She can go out in bars and meet somebody! Instead, she prefers to hang around the mansion and the studio all day, complaining, wearing belts, strips of tissue and some cord. It's a miracle nobody's been flashed by her, because of her attire!

Let’s not forget that she’s practically a snake in the grass, always sneaking around undetected just to appear out of thin air when you least suspect her. It's like playing a horror game when she’s around, it's nerve-wracking.

...I don't like Lily, no.


	3. Leave Me Alone

I think I already made it clear that I really don't like Gumi. I’d also think you got the point.

I've been trying to make that clear to her, so that she can shut up once in a while, maybe enter and leave a room quietly, try not to start a conversation with me. I've been told I lack tact, and since I like that, I did it my usual way.

“Gumi, leave me the fuck alone.”

Believe it or not, she got angry. Maybe a little sad, because I broke the illusion of her perfect little world, but she sure showed anger. That changed things for a little; I didn’t know she could even feel anger.

And then we got in a fight. Boy, she fights like she lives: she’s loud and annoying.

I told her she was just that, and that she was way too happy for anyone's good, bothersome, and that she should wear something else.

I think I won that fight. I got to leave her in a stunned silence.

The thing is, I told this story to Luka the day after. At my request, we met at a café, away from the mansion and the studio. We were basically avoiding anywhere Gumi creeps around. Well, I was the one avoiding her. And Luka had the nerve to smile at me. She said it sounded like jealousy. Needless to say, I got mad. How can I possibly be jealous? Then she said I was in denial.

Denial? The mighty Masuda Lily does not deny, I said. She looks at stuff straight in the face and dares the other to blink first, I said.

Then she told me to face it, if I was so great.

I left in a rage.

Now Gumi is ruining my friendships, too.


	4. Blindness

The nerve of the woman!

I've been trying to be friendlier with Lily, but recent events certainly haven't helped. She swore at me, and rejected my presence within a 20-meter radius.

How dare she?! I've only been trying to lessen the tension, because I'm sure it’s suffocating the both of us. Maybe we could have become friends, and I would have been able to help with her cheesy romance problems. And go shopping with her. A lot.

Well, after her little insult, I retaliated. I couldn't help myself. Fighting was most definitely not the solution, but with all the strain I couldn't stop myself from bursting out.

I told her she's creepy, brash, and called her a nudist misfit.

She left after a biting remark. I think I won.

But the victory didn't help. If anything, beating someone you hate has a bitter aftertaste. First there's the triumphant glory just for yourself in your mind, but then you realize that things had certainly taken a turn for the worst.

Lily hates me like I hate her. There’s nothing good about that.

I spent the next day in my room, thinking. I couldn’t imagine a single thing to do that could help in this situation. I ended up concluding that we simply weren't meant to be friends, and that some people just don't click. If anything, Lily and I collide like two trains at full speed. Lots of gnashing and explosions. Very, very little happiness.

I hope our absolute intolerance for one another won't be too obvious to the others... They might worry, won't they.


	5. Friends

You know what? I take back what I said in the beginning.

Fuck Luka.

Christ, since we talked I can't look Gumi straight in the eye. Me, jealous? Of her?

I know, I know. It’s absurd. And as absurd as it may sound, I think I found the answer at the bottom of a bottle somewhere, sometime in the evening, the day after I talked with Luka. I had been over thinking her words all day and I decided to just pop one open and hope that the drunken haze would clear up stuff.

And it sure did.

Thinking of it all just made me cry. I know, that sounds even _more_ absurd! Me, crying! It sounds like one of Gumi's jokes, just with a hint of added cruelty.

But I realized something quite important. I did envy Gumi's capability to see the bright side of things. She could have fun with jokes without putting people down. The only time I ever get to escape reality and get to talk about something other than world problems is when I'm filled with alcohol. And I don't even have to tell jokes to others, because I'd be laughing on my own.

So there I was, crying in the kitchen, towards three in the morning, holding an empty bottle of something, thinking why, how could I be jealous of Gumi.

Lo and behold, there she was. She put the bottle away, led me up to my room. She did so quietly, amazingly. The next morning there was a full glass of water by my bed and some painkillers.

She thinks I forgot it, I'm pretty sure. All day we've been avoiding each other, as expected. But when our paths _did_  cross, I couldn't stop frowning, because she was happy.

Screw it. I like Luka too much.

Fuck Gumi. I won't be jealous anymore.


	6. Enemies

I knew it would come to this.

Just two days after our quarrel I woke up to Lily sobbing, of all things.

It was different, to see the ego-strong Lily hunched over the counter, blabbing incoherently, crying her eyes out. I feel bad admitting I watched for a few minutes. I was spying on something. Lily was weak at the moment, and I was just watching. Maybe I was waiting for someone else to intervene, but nobody else came.

In the end, I summoned the strength and courage to help her upstairs. The courage came from the belief that she wouldn't remember anything anyways; she was so far gone.

I left her some water and pills. She'd probably think she did that herself by some miracle.

I’ve been avoiding her all day. I try to remain happy, but just the thought of Lily sobbing makes me feel sad all over again.

She has a talent for making me feel depressed, doesn’t she.

But I wonder, if she was truly so upset about out quarrel, why wouldn't she try to right what was wrong? I’m not going to try again, sorry. Ah, but what if it wasn't our quarrel that upset her? Maybe she just felt too rich, too full of herself, and too alone. Maybe she feels like she failed life.

Of course, that thought makes me happier. Please detect the sarcasm.

From that early morning on, I can’t get Lily out of my mind, to say the very least. I can’t help but feel responsible. I can’t help but feel like I ought to do something.

Of course, I won't let her affect me so much that I'd actually go out of my way for her, again. I just need to focus on something else, preferably something happier, and get on with my life...exactly the contrary of what Lily's doing, in short. Her method of living life couldn't possibly be healthy.

I'll just block her out of my mind. Let it be. I won't let her wake me up at three in the morning again, and I won't stretch out a hand only to have it slapped away.


	7. Jealousy

I asked Luka what the source of jealousy was.

We were visiting the Crypton Vocaloids for once. Their mansion is bigger and shinier, yet normally they come to visit us. That day, I thought that those rooms they deemed too numerous and too big were just right for holding a private conversation.

We were in the library, discussing literature. And then I asked the question.

She smiled, then congratulated me for not simply ignoring the whole thing. But then she answered that jealousy usually found its roots in feeling inferior.

I almost tipped over a bookcase at the remark. Inferiority?

She told me to calm down. I only sat down. She told me to think about it. I couldn't.

I didn't feel inferior. I don’t.

She told me to stare the idea in the face, and dare it to blink first.

So I did.

I reached a pretty depressing conclusion.

I did feel inferior only because she's happier all the time. Somehow, I'm doing something wrong and she's doing something right and she gets to be happy all the time.

Luka just shrugged. She said that many people who think of sad stuff and who tell sad jokes also feel truly happy. She said many other things, but all I understood was that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I’m not the wrong person, I’m me. And that’s good, obviously.

So I asked why I was feeling jealous the whole time. She replied that maybe I was looking at it the wrong way. I keep seeing “happy” Gumi, “childish” Gumi, “loud” Gumi. I only see the “good” parts of her and can’t see her as a flawed individual like any other.

Cheesy, right?

She told me to sit down with her and simply talk. Get to know her.

I scoffed, and left.

But I think that maybe, just maybe, I can try that out.


	8. Heartbreak

I asked Miku where sadness comes from.

Rin and Len also heard the question, and also had a little thinking session. All they could give me where superficial replies though, which is why I asked Miku in the first place.

She said that maybe it comes from unresolved issues. Debts, broken promises, guilt... I remembered our fight with regret. There was also the mood swing theory, but frankly, if Lily is going through a mood swing, this is the biggest swing I've seen; she's been down as long as I've known her.

Then she said there was the broken heart. Right then, it all came together in my mind. Of course! Her songs, her attire... I knew from the start she had romance issues. It's baffling I hadn't thought of something like this earlier.

So, Lily is heartbroken. Of course, it’s not a truth, not quite yet. Like Schrödinger's cat, I can’t know if that truly is the case until the truth is revealed to me.

Miku asked where the question came from. I remembered that I had promised myself to forget the entire Lily issue, so I shook my head, telling her not to worry.

Lily, Lily, Lily... I can’t get her out of my mind. I can’t stop caring. It’s purely my own fault for not being able to evacuate her from my thoughts; I care too much in general for people's well-being. But this fixation, this obsession...

With that conversation over, I knew that I needed to talk to her. I needed to sort it out. I needed closure. I needed to hear from Lily that I didn’t need to care or worry. Only then would this end.

I spent some more time with the twins and Miku. Maybe an hour later, I got up to look for the blonde. I was wondering how to approach her before receiving a ticket from Officer Masuda for invading her personal bubble of ten meters.

Lo and behold, I opened the door and nearly collided straight into her.

I told you she was quiet.


	9. Let's Meet

I gotta admit, the girl nearly gave me a heart attack, right then. Just bursting out into the hall like that? Like she was alone in the world.

I reigned my anger in, and looked at her. She looked like I was going to fine her for being in the same room.

I told her we needed to talk. It was pretty direct but I don’t care. I needed to see this person for who she really was and show myself that there's nothing to be jealous of.

I couldn’t help it: I immediately started the visual investigation. My eyes scanned her from top to bottom and back up again, trying to detect jealous-worthy elements. Except for her general cheery-ness, nothing, as per usual. Fan-fucking-tastic, right? Even when she was intimidated, she was happy! How is that even possible...?

Anyway, I started by telling her that the next day, after her school day, we'd talk. It would probably be at the studio or who knows where, but we were both hard workers and were miles ahead of the others. I reminded her of that, just to make sure she had no excuse.

Then, she stammered for a while. Did she do that on purpose, being all cheery and adorable all the time no matter what? Did she do it to annoy me?

I told her that it wasn't a question. The following day we were going to talk it out.

Jealous, my ass. She should be jealous of MY ass! That sounds right, doesn't it? But even right then I could feel that weird feeling just a bit; it was harder to breathe, like my throat was being squeezed lightly. I felt a bit sick, and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. It felt like driving by roadkill; it was disgusting but it had to be seen. It was jealousy, wasn't it. I was envious of SOMETHING there and I couldn't get my eyes away.

Screw that. My motivation to talk to her rose by 300%.

I was NOT jealous.


	10. Let's Talk

Surprisingly enough, Lily didn’t look too mad. But still, her brow was furrowed and she sighed before telling me exactly what I intended to say: We needed to talk.

Yes, we did.

My uneasiness rose when she started glaring at me, but then she said that we were hard workers and could surely spend our time talking instead of working, the following day.

Well, couldn’t she consider that there’s a reason I was buying extra time? I like saving the hours for open afternoons, maybe even for longer vacations. What an inconsiderate woman.

I stammered, because despite my rising anger, I was still nervous. Ultimately, she cut me off.

What was her problem?!

Luckily, I stopped myself from getting angry; it wouldn't have helped, after all, and would only spark another fight. If anything, I have to be happy because she was trying to resolve the issue. Yes, I told myself that. This was only a minor setback, in the grand scheme of things; surely I can sacrifice one afternoon for her.

I nodded, in vain, for Lily had already stormed off, her outfit flapping behind her like a cape, her heels clacking on the wooden floor, her legs carrying her in long, even strides.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent with Miku and the twins, and my mind had been eased of the Lily plague for a while. After all, wasting energy thinking about her was useless if we are to see one another in only a day, so I spent my time usefully; I laughed, and helped the twins with some of their antics.

That evening and the following morning, there was close to zero interaction between the two of us. Our proximity was purely physical and greatly disturbing, unfortunately. The imminent threat of being glared at or chided made me nervous and frankly, a little scared. Yes, I admit it, I am a little frightened of the tall blonde. It put a serious damper on my mood and, well, view the first chapter, it's a vicious loop, isn't it. She may be trying to make things better here and there, but right then, and right now, things aren’t changing.


	11. Talking

I think that went...surprisingly well.

Sure, I still don't LIKE Gumi, but I don't think I hate her. And I'm pretty sure the jealousy thing is over, too.

You see, we met up at the studio, as we had agreed. She was wearing her school uniform, which made her look at least half decent. After putting her stuff away, I immediately told her to follow me, and we found an unused recording room to talk.

Obviously, she started. We talked. How are you, how was your day, etc. Absolutely disgusting. She got into a rant about school, I retaliated with a personal experience...

I think it's called bonding. I remember it happened a bit like that between Luka and I, except with books.

Long story short, we only left when the band who had reserved the recording room came in. We parted, worked, crossed paths every once and a while, managed to actually talk during dinner...

What she said though, is interesting. She had mentioned many, many problems of her own, and damn that did make her look a lot less cheery. Her daily smile is just a mask, and that probably explains those drugged-out songs she sings. And, apparently, her fame gets in the way of a lot of things. One of her examples was that she couldn't get a single date, as she lacked time and —here comes my favorite part— there were mysterious other things she wouldn't continue talking about.

Five words: jealousy was replaced by curiosity.

I don’t want to really get to know her, as my goal has been achieved; kill the jealousy. Now that Gumi was just another somewhat relatable face among others, I can forget the entire thing and go back to being silently apathetic. But curiosity is cruel. Gumi started talking about something which sounded very private and interesting and I’ll be damned if I don’t find out what it is.


	12. Thinking

Needless to say, I don't think Lily is scary or sad anymore.

Our talk had revealed many things. I had broken the ice, and she had followed up most helpfully. In the end, I learned quite a few explanatory little facts.

First was the fact that Lily is not sad! She explained complex subjects with short words only to explain that her morose attitude is merely her sense of humor. She admitted that she’s quite happy with her life, and that she has nothing to truly complain about.

This lead to the second fact, which came up a little later. After I had gone down a pretty dark road which I probably should have stopped traveling earlier, she told me that relationships are the least of her troubles. She isn’t heartbroken, or desperate, and she said that her songs were, in fact, purely artistic. Love is complex and was worth all the songs a life can give, she said.

I found that amazingly poetic, at the time. Even now, I’m impressed such a dark character could say such things.

There was also the drunk very early morning subject. I confessed to witnessing it and took credit for the morning presents, and she confessed, in turn, that she knew. At first I was vexed about her simply ignoring my kind deed, but I remembered that she had been drinking of all things, and probably didn't feel very proud of it. I asked her if she was alright, and she smiled.

We never approached the clothes issue. I did want to apologize for calling her a nudist misfit, but the subject never came up. It's difficult to admit but I think we did actually get pretty carried away. When the band interrupted, I had no idea how much time had passed. Of course, the interruption broke the spirit and we just went on with work.

Because of both this talk going well and the fact that this talk didn't include touchy subjects I wanted to bring up, I feel like another talk might be in order. After all, my fear is gone, and I believe that I can simply approach her and start chatting.

It's worth a try.


	13. Singing

Gumi walked up to me earlier today and started talking. I was simply minding my own business, heading over to the costume department, when she jogged to catch up to me and opened her mouth.

At first I thought I was going to be grumpy again, but I remembered the fact that I didn't hate her because I had no reason to, and that she honestly wasn't half bad, so I smiled and let her talk.

I answered, she responded, yada yada. I dealt with the clothes department manager, and then we talked again.

It was chatting. There was nothing of importance, or weight. I didn't get any progress on the curiosity. Yet, it didn't feel like a waste of time.

Weirdly enough, she made me smile. It turns out that if you're close enough to her when she's happy, her happiness is contagious and it gets to you.

So, I didn't get mad when she brought up my favorite set of clothing. How dare she question my badass threads, right? But hey, I hate her looks, she hates mine, so I thought it was fair, in my happy mood. I merely laughed at her, said I didn't care. I told her I also had problems with her clothes, which she happened to be wearing. Wasn't it even?

She pouted most adorably.

Gakupo then interrupted us and asked if she could test the recording room number whatever. Gumi agreed, but I followed simply because I wondered if I could bring up her dirty little secret.

It ended up with her singing and me picking up the guitar. Yeah, we were testing the room, but I'd lie if I said it wasn't fun. If this was the job of a detective searching for clues it was amazing. I brought up our clothes dispute, and turned it into a question of shopping.

She agreed.


	14. Shopping

Believe it or not, but I think I might actually like Lily. Maybe too much.

Talking again was a success. The conversation was started with ease, and while she seemed about as jolly as a busy person usually seems, I think she cheered up a bit after she was done with manager.

The small talk, while only small, was highly informative in its own way. I learned about her, I taught her a bit about me. Our days were busy, our lives were nice.

I thought it was appropriate to bring up her...questionable clothes, but she only laughed when I did. Plus, she had something to say about my favorite outfit as well! She was in a good mood though, so it could hardly be serious. I pouted, just acting.

Gakupo came along and asked me to test a room. I thought right then that we would have to part, but Lily followed me, grinning like a fool. Still a snake in the grass, all sneaky and full of surprises, but I don’t think she’s the kind that bites.

And then we made music together.

It was surreal.

Not only due to the fact that she accepted a light conversation, or that she started playing music to my song, but also because I made her smile and laugh, because I had a good impact on her day. It made me feel...overly happy. I was, towards the end of the song, absolutely ecstatic. Not to forget that Lily is amazing when she plays. I suppose I'd never noticed it before, but when she's really in the song, she's wild. She's not quiet, calm, grumpy Lily. She's passionate, expressive. And quite surprisingly, her outfit only complimented her as she moved.

I didn't need to talk to her to see if she really was grumpy anymore. I've  _seen_  her.

I think this is the source of my current predicament. Because after the song, while I was still filled with endorphins, she brought up the clothes issue, and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her.

Where's the problem? Here it is: it sounded like a date, even though it wasn't. The reason it sounded like a date was because suddenly, I wanted it to be one.

That sucks, right?


	15. Truth

I had to wait for Saturday for the shopping day. As I waited I composed, partook in interviews, work in general. I was also wondering about Gumi's little secret most of the time, because I had no way of talking with her. She was at school almost all day, and the boss had given her some slack as, apparently, there was a tsunami of tests on the horizon, and she 'wanted to clear up her weekend'. How nice of her, to think of our agreement.

Since I had big empty afternoons, I spent a lot of time with Luka, too. She asked how matters were progressing, and I said quite truthfully that Gumi and I got along. She smiled a weird smile, like she knows too much.

When the day did come, I was surprised to find her on time. I didn't expect that. Then again, she's a hard worker, so I guess she’s also punctual.

It was kind of awkward at first, because we got along, but we weren't exactly friends, either. Again, she started, and again, we talked about school.

That thing really absorbs kids' lives, seriously. That sucks. Especially when she lists off the tests she had and still had to do.

I told her to shut up about school and talk about something happier.

And then I realized I was _asking_ Gumi to be happy. That meant there was something wrong with me, or her. I think there was something wrong with the both of us; her not being happy and me asking her to be. But I guess I liked the cheeriness she made me feel. It's light and careless.

Can't blame me. Everybody dreams of flying.

She smiled, and then shopping was fun again. We tried on clothes for real, and some just for shits and giggles. She had me wear a turtleneck “just to see how I looked with more than 20% of my body covered”. I made her wear an a-cup bra.

Many laughs were had. I had fun, in any case.

But, I never got to know her little secret. I couldn't find a way to bring it up. Plus, I found myself forgetting. It's not like it really matters, in the end. Yeah, it doesn't matter anymore. And, if I do end up being her friend, she might tell me anyways. That plan sounded much better.


	16. Lies

School was being impractical, and tests were teaming up on the horizon. I couldn't walk up to Lily and cancel our...outing. I felt that it would sour things. Actually, to be bluntly honest, I simply didn't want to cancel.

I asked our boss if I could take a break from work and study. He agreed, and boy did I study. By Thursday I had learned everything, and already the most difficult tests were behind me. I was finally delivered from schoolwork, though Lily was free from her actual work, and was thus nowhere to be found. Curious how she had become my first go-to when I had free time.

Truthfully, it was starting to scare me. At first she haunted me because I worried. Now, it's something else. Whenever I think about it, I start fumbling around with things. I drum with my pencil, tear the edges of my notebook. The idea of her smiling because I was around, or rather the memory of it, makes my head spin and my knees weak.

I couldn't forget our meeting, too. We would go shopping together, and I wondered how it would go. I worried that it might be awkward. What if I screw it up? I was focusing on every single detail, wondering how it could go wrong. In consequence, I had a back-up plan for everything, and planned to arrive ten minutes early.

Luckily, when the day came, only the first few moments were awkward. When I tried to fix it with mundane conversation, she told me to change the subject to something happier.

How could I decline?

It ended up being everything I ever dreamed of. She took my jokes well, even retaliating, letting me see an entirely new sense of humor. She even told a few of her typical jokes, and instead of being soured by her grim comedy, I felt how she only wanted to entertain in her very own way, and actually found her funny.

However, an A-cup bra is something to never attempt again. Also, I won’t dream of asking Lily to wear a sweater again. I want to see her.

I do. I don’t care about her weird clothes any longer.

I stared at her often. She's beautiful, lively, smart.

I would be lying if I said that I feared Lily. It would be a lie to say that I don’t care about Lily, or that I find her grim, bland, grumpy. It would be a lie, to deny that I am actually starting to feel feelings for her.

I wish the lie was the truth, because this truth... It's the truth, that scares me.


	17. Fever

I mentioned previously that school is unhealthy. It really is.

The day of Gumi's final test she got ill. Usually someone else would take care of her or, being capable as she is, she would take care of herself. I think Luka interfered a bit though, something about a far-away multi-company mountain photo session, or something equally far-fetched, and by magic, we were alone together.

I didn't mind the slightest, though. Surprising, right? Just a few days ago we couldn't stand each other but now I really don't mind taking care of her. You know what? Forget before. Gumi's my friend now.

I used some leftover chicken to make broth, but when she didn't give a sign of life by one, I decided to check if she was awake.

She wasn't. I sat in a chair at her bedside for a while, listening to her breathe. She didn't have a cold or a cough, but a fever and headaches. All the symptoms where there the previous evening and we had all decided that she wouldn't leave the house for at least a few days.

Eventually she woke up. I helped her eat the broth, and let her sleep again. No words were exchanged.

The next day, I came home from work to find Gumi in front of the television, wrapped in a blanket and an empty bowl in front of her. She had gotten bored from being alone in her room with nothing to do. She only mumbled when I asked if she was feeling better. I joined her on the couch, barely watching the show. She fell asleep, and I carried her into her room. That evening, I fed her more broth, as she refused to stick her arms out of her warm blanket.

Again, nothing was said.

Day three; I literally spent the day with her. I think I fell asleep in the chair in her room and woke up to her looking at me shyly. I helped her eat, again, but she insisted that she was doing much better. Sure enough, she was walking around later in the afternoon, but she still groaned with every headache. Despite her progress, she remained seated most of the time, and I sat next to her.

She always ended up leaning against me, her head finding a comfortable place on my shoulder.


	18. Plague

Being sick is never fun, at least until the person you fancy starts caring for you. It becomes a veritable mental party when “fancy” decides to double and you can't keep up with the feelings and the fever.

Headaches were bad, the cold sweat and hot shivers plagued me, not to mention the fever dreams. I slept restlessly most of the time, and I couldn't get used to the nightmares. I would wake up suddenly, to find Lily waiting for me.

The first time it happened I couldn't exactly recall where or when I was. The evening before, I felt ill, so I decided to turn my alarm off and keep sleeping, just keep sleeping those dreamless dreams. I woke up...and Lily was there.

My heart beat fast. I smiled under the covers. I was tired, dizzy and famished, but wow I had never felt so alive.

She fed me. She cared for me. She spoiled me rotten. We spoke very little, but only a little needed to be said. She only asked was how I was doing. All I asked for was rest. But sometimes I was cruel, I think. I would fake petty needs to get just a little more. No, it's cold out there, please feed me. And she would.

I'm wondering which situation was better; the time I didn't know what to think of Lily, the time I wasn't fond of her, the time I was even a little scared of her, or this. This. This is the moment when I'm falling over and over again for her. The trap called love was an endless pit and I kept falling. I even dreamt of it. My nightmares involved one-way routes, four walls but no doors, and empty rooms.

As my health increased and my awareness returned, I only realized then that I was chin-deep in a thick quicksand called “affection”. By the time I could walk I walked to follow her, torn between feeding this wonderful thing and rejecting it.

Thursday, when I returned to school, everything was, superficially, OK. By Friday, my notebooks were almost destroyed, my classmates would complain about my incessant drumming, the teachers realized that I wasn't paying attention, and Miku said I wasn't talking as much as I used to.

She is haunting me once more.


	19. Search

Gumi isn't sick anymore, but I worry.

Hell. I'll be honest; I'm worrying about her. Her happiness isn't as contagious as it used to be, simply because she isn't happy anymore. She's spending more time alone, avoiding conversation. Unfortunately for her, she’s being obvious: she's avoiding me. Either I gave her a reason to avoid me, which would be something I'd solve ASAP, or she was given a reason to avoid me. I'd fix that, too. Also, since we started spending less time together, I started seeing what Gumi had meant by “grumpy” me. Of course, I never changed, I'm still awesome, and I don't need her to be happy, but she really did clear up a bad day.

I told you Lily always stares straight at her problems. I'll admit it when I miss a person, not gonna deny it. If I'm going to be stubborn, I might as well be stubborn about what I say and keeping my word. So, here I go: I miss Gumi. I miss her stories, her stupid jokes, her laugh, her smile, everything!

It's frustrating, 'cause it feels like I can't let it go. I put too much of myself into “this”, you know? I took care of her, and I helped with the “improving our relationship” thing. I'm not gonna let that sink so soon. It's worth too much for me, now.

Plus, how dare she let me feed her broth and then not talk to me for a week. That was special, dammit. She can't go around telling people that Masuda Lily hand-feeds people. I hand-feed people who mean something to me. And she can't go around telling people that, either.

...who am I kidding. So much for being honest. I just don't want her around other people because I want her around  _me._

You know what? I'm sick of waiting for her to come to me, and I'm sick of her escaping.

I'm going to go to her and see what's wrong.


	20. Lost

Well, I might believe in being discrete when approaching a difficult subject, but that doesn't mean that I'm good at being discrete. I am most certain that Lily has noticed that I've been avoiding her.

I have. While she doesn't scare me anymore, it's the other people who scare me. That's the difficult part of loving someone, isn't it? Other people’s opinion has an impact. It's easy to say that love conquers all and that “they” don't matter, but they do when it's one-sided, and even more so if you’re both important to the public eye.

This leads to the uncertainty. Lily and I are new friends; we hardly know each other. For example, she can't see the signs when I'm stressed, she hasn't learned them yet. This means that I also don't know her as much as I'd like, and that I have absolutely no idea how to approach this situation.

I could be honest and get it out of the way. Lily is a reasonable and secretive person after all; how bad could it go?

But then I see her. Scantily clad, as per usual, striding through the halls, the masses. I'm reminded that the mere sight of her is my guilty pleasure. I'm reminded of how beautiful she is, how bright, how caring she can be, how special she has become to me.

And then she's gone. I'm reminded how she doesn't know of this, and I feel like a pervert. It truly is sordid, if natural, to ogle at someone, to undress them with your eyes, remembering soft touches and the feelings she made you feel...

I feel  _special_  around her. I want to be. I want her to know that she's special to me. It would be a beautiful thing we could share. We'd treat each other like we were sick all the time, spoiling each other rotten, no rhyme or reason other than just because...!

What a beautiful, possible utopia. But when I remember my infatuation, it darkens.

It is normal, to have such desires tainting love. But she's unaware, and I can't live with that.

You probably think that I should just tell her. She wouldn't be unaware, and hey, dreams might come true. But then it could be certainly one-sided, and instead of unaware, it's non-consensual. The first question one asks oneself after being told that you have a crush, is if you think lewdly of this person. And the answer is obvious: yes. I would force Lily to know that I sincerely desire her. I couldn’t live with that.

Despite this, I can't ignore the fact that avoiding her won't help.


	21. Find

Holy shit.

Imagine me at work, past closing hours in fact, at a desk in the dark, with only a little lamp lighting the page in front of me. I was writing a new song, as songwriters like me do.

’Til now it sounds pretty normal, right?

Yeah, fine, OK. So, I was working on a new song, and I was cheery. Lately Gumi has changed attitude again but this time for the better; it's like how it was right before she got sick. We hang out sometimes, we work together. Our friendship has improved to the point that we share little things. We even went out to the movies yesterday.

I was thinking of how sweet she is. She bought me popcorn, and quickly got used to my sense of humor, among dozens of other things. I wondered how it was like to be her friend for a long time, like Miku or the Crypton twins were. They were probably kind to each other the same way all the time.

Then Luka called. I answered my phone, she’s my best friend after all. While Gumi and I agree and have fun together, Luka and I have known each other for so much longer, and are on the same level; different pros on either side. And hey, experience means something, so no matter how kind Gumi will be, she'd have to save my life to be equal to Luka so soon.

Anyway, we talked, and talked, I told her about my song and she offered ideas. Eventually she asked how it was going with Gumi, and I told her all I was thinking. I also told her of the little dip after she got sick. I said that maybe she felt awkward after spending days on end together, being dependent on me to boot. But it was alright in the end, I said.

Here it comes. Luka, after hearing of all of our little outings, chuckled softly like she does, and said with a smile in her voice that it sounded awfully romantic.

I laughed at first. I didn't think about it. We talked some more, then we hung up, and I started packing my stuff to go home.

And then it hit me.

It  _was_ romantic. Gumi isn’t less of a friend than Luka to me not because she’s simply less of a friend, but because dammit she is  _different._


	22. Found

I think I'm doing a good job at being a friend. And this “friendzone” isn't even that bad. I can be with her, and it's casual. We can talk, there's no tension whatsoever. I thoroughly enjoy being a friend. It's enough of an excuse to do nice little things, with no ulterior motives. I'm not trying to woo her, I'm not being needy. I like thinking it's cute, if it weren't so sad.

Oh, it's sad. The moment we part it hurts. Not because of the “if only”s, not because it wasn't what I could have wanted it to be, but because when she's not here, with me, she's in my mind.

I wonder what I could do next to make her smile. I wonder how she's feeling, if she's alright, if nobody is causing her harm.

I haven't ever cared so much for anything.

I've gotten used to the haunting to a certain degree. Instead of letting her torment my mind, I let her settle in. My new notebooks are intact, and Miku hasn't complained about me being quiet. I'm productive at work, my grades are good. What more can I say?

My favorite is that I can spend entire afternoons with Lily. I got to invest an entire day in her yesterday. We went to the movies. She likes those actually good romances, while I like adventure and psychology. We saw some movie which was a combination of the two. Even though I chose it, I forget the name, and everything in the movie, because I was so absorbed by the fact that she let us share an armrest and we were there  _together_. Also, she said she actually liked it a lot, even if it was “a little cheesy”.

That alone felt like the most resounding success of my life.

I'm happy.


	23. Cupid

Jesus fucking Christ what the hell?!

Luka  _knew_! I should have seen the signs; the subtle advice, us being alone while she was sick...

But how? We hardly even see each other, once per week at most! And when we do Gumi is with her other Crypton friends.

But oho, no, she's a singer. She doesn't see, she hears.

She heard the way I talked about her, and Miku could have mentioned the way Gumi must have talked about me; I know that those two Crypton ladies are close friends as well.

But then what the fuck?! She decided to play cupid and set us up?!

Goddammit, it worked, too. I don't know what Gumi thinks of me but I'd be damned of an arrow isn't lodged in my brain, making me insane.

See things head-on, I said. I should have looked in the mirror; most signs came from myself! Of course she annoyed me at first. Of course the moment she looks even a tad bit alright I don't require a written invitation to be with her anymore. Of course I ask her out for shopping and agree to be silly with her. Of course I need to enslave myself for her health. Of course I have to become bloody addicted to her to such a point that she's fucking essential to my fucking happiness!

I digress.

I'm loopy for her. I've been since day one.

I’ll be damned; when I care for someone it's in such a cool way that even I don't notice it at first. It explains the weird-ass dreams, though.

But no. I didn't think it would ever happen. Time and time again I've refused to date Mr. This or Mr. That. Time and time again I've remained unimpressed, unmoving, unemotional. I never thought I'd actually fall for someone. A younger someone. A girl someone. A someone I used to hate.

This is so entirely unexpected that I have no idea how to tell her. I can't get on my knees and confess like some poor high school loon, but she deserves better than a 'Gurl, you fly, be my bae'. Urk.

No. I'll invite her somewhere this time and tell her with full words that I very suddenly realized that I'm...

...

in love..?

...

No, I won't say that. It's too...no.

I'll get her flowers or something.

She likes carrot cake.

That's a good idea.


	24. Reality

I'm in heaven: this time Lily took the initiative and asked me to meet after work.

I got the message while I was busy. She texted me, saying she wanted to wind down after the long week. Since it was Friday, and it had indeed been a long week, I agreed in a heartbeat.

It's nothing extraordinarily special, objectively speaking. But this is the effect Lily has on me! And for once, at least ever since the time she invited me shopping, she invited me.

It's nice, thinking that we're getting steadily closer. Maybe one day, we'll be best friends, and if I'm lucky, my love for her will have worn off by the time she meets her Mr. Right. And I'll be happy for her, and she'll be happy when I find someone for myself...

It is still sad, sometimes. It hurts, sometimes.

But now is alright. Today is perfectly adequate and I can settle for this for always. It's not difficult, no. Temptation calls every now and then, but remembering that I'm happy is enough to calm that down.

I can't stop the dreams, though. Sleep and its hallucinations are beyond the control of man and I am no exception.

They tend to be cute. Long talks in a world made of alabaster, and we'd smile as we looked at each other. Once there was a soundless war all around us, but we stood back to back, holding flowers. Or there was a river, and we'd run as fast as we could, trying to go faster than the water. Sometimes I'd feel it was a dream without being conscious of it. They were in no way lucid, but I felt it was natural to try to kiss her, and she'd kiss back. It's a surreal feeling.

They make me blush sometimes, too. I'd need a cold shower, wondering if I'd be able to face her. But I manage, and I forget the dreams.

Reality is enough for me; I don't need those delusions.

I can't wait for later. In just an hour we're free to go and I'll run off to meet her.

I can't wait for reality.


	25. What to Say

Waiting for her was the most stressful thing ever. I got to leave early thanks to my extra work, so I went to the café where I usually hang out with Luka. That was where I had agreed to meet with Gumi.

I took a table by a window, so I could see her coming. A carrot cake and some baklava cups were on the way, and I already had some water on the table.

What the hell was I going to say?

It was out of the question I was going to stay quiet about it. She needed to know, and even if she doesn't like me back hey, it's a nice compliment. The mighty Masuda Lily likes you more than any other human being.

Except the mighty have fallen and I had no idea what to do. I had no experience whatsoever in this subject. Songs of romance, I may sing, but romantic, apparently, I am not.

Gumi came in when the waitress put the pastries on the table. She sat in front of me, smiling. She talked, I ate.

The baklava cups were still warm. They had nothing to do with the warmth I started feeling.

It wasn't anything bad; it was 100% pure happiness. I looked at her, admired her. I tried my best to stay calm each time I answered. She commented on the place, as she'd never been there before, and complimented the cake.

She was so happy with three times nothing; a cake, a cafe, and me.

The conversation was almost just as stressful as the waiting. I was looking for opportunities to bring up the subject, but the longer I waited the more difficult it got to hold it in. It was like she was overflowing my mind.

Why didn't I notice it sooner, dammit. It would probably have been a date and we'd be holding hands or something like that; sticky-sweet romance but sweet all the same.

At one point, she finished a little tirade with some comment, letting the topic die naturally, and she was about to finish her cake. It was the moment when someone would start talking about a new subject. The opportunity had come.

I stuttered more than I meant to, and I don't think I managed to look her in the eye. I didn't dare ask her to be my girlfriend just yet. But I said I thought that she's great. I asked her out. On a date. With me.


	26. After The Hesitation

I finished work, and the moment after I disappeared from the manager's sight I made a run for the exit. The address of the place where Lily wanted us to meet was already memorized. It took me five minutes to get there.

She was waiting for me. I was happy. She had already ordered a carrot cake for me. I sat down, and started talking. She answered.

She looked distracted.

Just when I was going to finish my cake, she started stuttering. She wouldn't look at me.

My heart stopped before speeding up. I froze before I could I could eat the last bite, thinking maybe,  _maybe..._ And yes. Yes..!

There I was, carrot cake on my fork, sitting at one end of a small table, in a cafe, with Lily nervously biting at her lip as she waited for me to respond. I have no idea how long it took me to answer. I was stunned. Reality had taken a sharp turn and ran into some fourth dimensional wall; my dreams were real, all of a sudden.

Eventually I set my fork down. She looked up to me, grinning shyly.

She was asking me out. And I was there, staring at her with an empty gaze, mouth open, partly because I was going to eat cake, partly because I was too stunned to shut it. It was then that I realized that I was probably scaring her with my stunned, or terrified reaction.

I tried to remain level-headed. I answered “sure,” with a smile.

It felt incredibly underwhelming and anticlimactic. Reality wasn't like fantasy, with happy cheers and flowers flying around, and a kiss exchanged. But this was  _real._ It sunk in that Lily had actually asked me out and I said yes and it was  _real._

It was a date. An actual, real, date.

I started crying a little, laughing quietly. When she looked confused, I told her, after the shortest but mightiest hesitation ever, that I had been too scared to ask her myself.

She smiled. It was like the sun lit up, just for me.


	27. Holding

“No bloody way,” I thought.

Not only did she say yes, which is fantastic on its own, but she even said she wanted to ask me out herself.

Luka, you clever devil.

I joked about her not asking me out sooner, but in all reality I had no idea how I would've reacted if I hadn't had the epiphany first. In any case, right there and then, I was as happy as I could be.

While she laughed, she still cried happy tears. Apparently, she had it bad for me and was relieved; that was what she told me, in her own words.

After a few moments of talking, I paid and we set out home. We walked, as it wasn't far. She kept laughing every now and then, as if reality came back to hit her randomly.

I wondered if I should, if I could, hold her hand. It's cute, which is something she likes, and it would probably help with grounding it in her mind.

So I did. She answered by taking hold of my entire arm. She laughed.

I was so happy I could make her happy.

So, the idiot I was, being foolish and tactless like I tend to be, I simply asked if she didn't want it to be just one date.

By my girlfriend, I asked.

Hey, I was high on joy or something. I was already blabbing more than usual, so it was bound that something brash slipped out eventually. In any case it was something I wanted and apparently she wanted it too. Why call it rushing when we're both at that level? Bah, I didn't think it through, really.

Obviously, it was too much for her; she started crying again and hugged me.

It reminded me of when she was sick and she would lean on me. I was almost holding her up. Or I was denying the fact that I was hugging her really tight, too. Either way, we stood there for a while, simply being, simply breathing.

I didn't know it could be so simple. Love doesn't always need to cross a big obstacle in order to bloom, it doesn't need excessive drama. I doesn't need an accidental kiss or a truth or dare game. It needs time and affection, lots of courage and honesty. It takes energy, and you know it's right when it's worth it.

I cried too. I never thought it'd happen. I never thought it could be so simple. I never thought I could be so happy.


	28. Commitment

After I said yes, we talked, and she joked. It was a blur, it was so amazing, but I couldn't latch on to the new reality. It was as if I was constantly trying to wake up.

I did my best to pay attention to anything, especially to her, since she was talking, laughing. Ironically I was so incredibly stunned and absorbed by her that I couldn't grasp even the simplest word. My attention was affixed to her only to make me blind. Every now and then I could catch a phrase, and I would answer as best as I could. I knew that the conversation didn't look one-sided, because during my moments spent being totally engrossed, the world slowed down, as if letting me truly savor it all. Despite, or even because of this, I didn't fully notice when we left.

I was lost at sea, drifting away in a world between reality and dreamland. Only when the anchor was cast did I realize that the dream truly, honestly, was reality; Lily had taken my hand.

We were outside, heading home. It was past working hours, but it was not quite dark yet. I could see so much. The sun's last rays tainting the sky orange, the street lights turning on... None of that mattered.

I grabbed on to her because I could. I laughed. I was happy.

But then I got so afraid that I was actually dreaming and it all had been an illusion. Lily asked for more than a date, she asked if we could date, as in long-term, as in more than once, as in dat _ing_  and I thought that I had gone crazy, maybe fallen down the stairs but no; Lily was blunt like that, she was stubborn and straightforward and maybe a little bit nuts as well at this point.

But she held me up as I wept happy tears because I was both so scared and so happy. I never thought that the fear that some reality could actually slip away was so real. I was legitimately scared that I would wake up from a dream. The weight in my stomach and the butterflies in my heart were undeniable.

I felt tears on my shoulder and I knew that she was crying as well. She was holding me as tightly as she could and was sharing this moment with me.


	29. Awkward

Yeah, after that it became a little awkward.

It's pretty scary, you know. After we actually got home, it felt like we came down from some sort of high and reality hit us. Rather, it hit her.

She started panicking a little, and had a little tirade about everything that had made her hesitate ’til today. We’re celebrities, and while we’re both Vocaloids, we’re members of a highly competitive organization. We had no idea how media would take it, not to mention others. While the Cryptons and Internet Co.'s are friends, some others aren't and the competition was purely that; competition. I think that, as she went, she came to new conclusions herself because the panic kept rising. I let her finish though; she did have a solid point.

Unfortunately, nowadays, a celebrity does not simply date a celebrity. And that was just the start of our problems.

I had to hand it to her; she thought things through. If the thinking had been up to me we'd both be chin deep in media shit by then. Even if that's why she never asked me out first, I had to look at the facts head-on and admit that yes, it’s scary.

Then she started a rant about truly sticking it to it for it to be worth the paparazzi trouble. And while it hurt, it was another fair point. How long would we last? Would it be worth it? I certainly didn't want a twenty minute wedding of mine to go viral.

So I quieted her, I held her again, and told her that we'd keep down low for the moment. We'd take baby steps. First us, then our friends, then our less-than-friends, then, maybe the world. If it got that far.

And damn, the more I thought about it the scarier it became. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to go to the end. I want the trouble, because that would prove that it’s be worth it.


	30. Loss

I was so scared that I'd fucked up on day one, hour one. And yes that harsh language is intentional; I felt that awful about it.

My fears caught up on me. I ranted quite suddenly in Lily's startled face about all the exterior reasons which had pushed me back and I started scaring even myself. I'd gone deeper down the rabbit hole than I'd ever been as I connected the dots.

The moment I thought I had taken it too far was when I said “And what if we're not worth the trouble? What if we tell the world, get harassed, and split up only a month after?” It was awful, but it was something that had dawned upon me quite suddenly, simply because it had become a real, terrible, possibility.

Lily had taken it amazingly well. She shushed me quite efficiently by putting a finger to my lips. Startled, I remained quiet, and only then did she supply a most practical, common-sense solution to the issue. Nobody had to know except us, after all. She even told me to keep any hints far away from our Crypton friends; she mentioned something about Luka being sneaky. But we'd see. There was no reason to rush anything. This was a first for the both of us, after all. How can I be so sure I'm the kind of person who'd work well with a long-term relationship?

Oh dear, yes, it was as scary as could be. But the fear meant something, after all. It meant that this was truly special, that it was dear to me, and it showed the real depths of its roots in my heart. After all, who fears the destruction of a meaningless thing? No, this true fear was how I measured the worth of the potential loss.

Lily meant too much to me at that moment.


	31. Step One

I always thought it'd be tough to date someone, not to mention a girl. For some reason I thought that that kind of commitment required all time and energy a person could have.

But no. The beginning of our relationship needed only a question and an answer, with a tad bit of will and courage behind it all. The rest was no more difficult.

What was difficult was hiding it. I had no idea how hard it was to have someone amazing at the other end of a room without going up to that person and just loving the hell out of her.

The real challenge was hiding it from Luka.

I know, she's my best friend, I could tell her, especially if she practically set us up. But my promise with Gumi means a lot and I am not going back on it. Still, Luka can listen as well as a hawk can see. I’ll be damned if she doesn’t already know. I have nerves of steel, so I think I pulled off the lying, but damn.

Whenever it wasn't Luka, it was the others. The other Internet Co. Vocaloids noticed a difference in our behavior towards one another for sure, but that was since we started agreeing in the first place, and we made sure we always appeared “friendly.”

And then there were the people at work. It's easy enough to put up an act while being absorbed in our jobs, so that's a breeze. Then, of course, there were Gumi's infamous schoolmates. I say infamous because apparently, it's a fun game to pair up Vocaloids. Well, celebrities in general, really, but still. She has to put up with periodic questions about relationships, and I don't think I'm brought up often. She gets upset about that. It's adorable.

But, when our friends aren't around, when we're far from work, after school, or simply when we drop off the radar, we spend time together and exchange little gifts: she gives me boxes of chocolate sometimes, I send her supportive texts before her tests, we like to cuddle while watching terrible romance movies or exaggerated action epics...

I like step one so far.


	32. Step Two

I think that before, when I would picture two people dating, I'd expect them to be perfectly paired and be completely involved with the other; no separate lives. And I think that I accepted that before, because I would always see those clingy couples at school.

But I know that the truth is different, now.

Lily and I know how to exist independently, but the connection is where it matters. We supply each other with support, affection, and happiness. It isn't tiring, it doesn't feel like I'm being ignored. It's a healthy balance, especially since we're supposed to keep it a secret.

This made the process of realizing that _yes_ it _is_ really real much easier. The actual fact that I was dating Lily sunk in quickly enough, but whenever it comes back and hits me it fills me with warmth. I actually found somebody who mattered to me and I matter to her, too!

My favorite part is how sweet she's being about it. Whenever we were together, with nobody else around, she'd hold me and close her eyes. I expected big, mean, grim Lily to be a tough one to love but I've never seen such a delicate person.

Being alone together is what I am always looking forward to. Getting a text from her while at school is fantastic, crossing her during work is a pleasant surprise, and talking to her at home is subtly romantic and slightly flirtatious. But when we don't have to mind others, when there's a door between us and the world, that's when the true definition of happiness starts to form in my mind.

The secret rendez-vous are thrilling in their own special way, even if they were, at first, slightly tainted by fear. What if we were caught? Fortunately, with time the fear ebbed away and there was nothing else left but that warm feeling of safety, comfort, and a growing love.


	33. More Steps

The thing about dating someone is that you gradually grow closer, given the right circumstances. I'm guessing that Gumi and I have been setting up ideal circumstances and we're getting closer all the time, and we haven't even had a fight yet. Of course, getting closer is kind of scary each time a new step presents itself.

At first I thought I would scare her a little, but then she said that if it felt right I could take any kind of initiative I wanted. She said she was waiting for me to: it would seem that she's quite comfortable with the thought of getting intimate.

No, I didn't feel bested, I didn't feel like a softie, I didn't feel timid or outraged. I can be the toughest girl on the Internet Co. Vocaloid crew but I'll admit I'm not the best or the bravest at romance.

I did decide I would try to be braver and damn that was —almost— the best thing I ever decided. Holding her even closer than before is great. Kissing, even more so. As are...other things.

But let's not forget! Murphy is an asshole and his laws are stupid but true. If something can go wrong it will, and the longer something lasts the more likely it is to go wrong.

So eventually a slip-up happens.

I slipped in front of Luka. Obviously. Because if something can go wrong in many ways, it'll go wrong the worst way.

Fuck you Murphy.

Long story short, Luka and I were talking and I happened to bring up the gift I had bought for Gumi to celebrate her new album. While it's not really a slip-up, it's practically a whole parade with signs saying “Lily and Gumi are dating” for Luka.

She grinned, her eyes saying “I knew it.”

Good thing she's my best friend. First thing she said was that she wouldn't tell a soul. Second thing she said was congratulations.

I was going to thank her when she asked me who wore the metaphorical pants in the relationship.

I merely grumbled and told her to shut up. I thanked her anyway.


	34. Reaching Out

When Lily started ranting about how much she hated Murphy I knew something had gone wrong. I knew it was something downright awful when she decided to curse him first thing in the morning, when still in bed, while we were cuddling.

She quickly explained that the previous day, she had let Luka know, quite despite herself, of our relationship. She wouldn't tell me how, apparently that was a secret, but the important thing was that her best friend knew.

I hugged her close and told her it was alright. The reason she felt bad was because she had broken the promise to keep it secret. Purposefully or not, the guilt was there.

But she had no reason to feel bad. It wasn't like it was almost two months before, when our relationship had just started. I felt confident, we were happy, and I wasn't scared anymore.

We agreed to let our close circle of friends know. I could feel her heart beat faster, and I bet she felt mine, not because we were so close and nothing divided us, but because this was one thing that could be go either very well or very badly and it still scared us.

I saw Miku and the twins at school later the next day, so telling them was relatively easy. All I had to do was wait for a busy moment so I could quickly declare it flat out.

The blondes had to think for a longer amount of time than Miku, and even she did a double-take. Lily, they asked, the scary grumpy guitar-expert Lily?

After that, Miku was quick to smile and congratulate me. I didn't need to worry about them talking about it, as they had promised to keep it a secret before I even said anything. Len then asked what it was like to kiss another girl, and Rin immediately had to ask if two girls dating even kissed in the first place.

Miku and I laughed, and the subject was quickly dropped. If they wanted to talk about it more it had to be elsewhere; class had started.


	35. Fire

A week later, Gumi's new album came out. It was a big celebration because it was entirely made of songs not yet released to the public, and making it had to be carefully balanced with maintaining constant releases. Quite a few months of work had gone into the project, and while the songs didn't exactly tell a story, there was a common link between them all. I didn't entirely get it, but I was happy for her anyway. Plus, the songs were great. Still trippy, but great.

The party was at the office, and all the Internet Co. 'loids were there, except Ryuto. He's a bit young for this kind of celebration anyways.

Gumi was pretty close to all the them, which is quite the contrary to me. I tend to stick only to Gakupo and Cul, so I spent most of my time talking with those two. But polite congratulations were passed around from singers to crew and vice versa: mingling couldn’t be avoided.

This was the perfect occasion to give her the gift, though. I handed it to her as if it was something I had happened to pick up somewhere, and I needed to get rid of the thing. But she could see I had put time into it, and that's what really matters.

Wanna know? It was a little bunny holding a carrot which I’d seen while I was shopping one day. That's cute enough, but I added some goggles-glasses-things; a perfect copy of Gumi's pair. I couldn't resist. A post-it was stuck to the carrot with a little “congrats” on it, too.

She thanked me, and I could see she was resisting the urge to just smother me with ksises right there. I smiled, patting her head, silently promising more when we got home.

And then the party went to shit, at least in my opinion. The manager pulled me away, talking about money. Blech. Profits, interest, debts... Then there was competition, our “opponents” were brought up, then an idea to keep interest on the company. All so incredibly boring.

The only thing that kept me awake was Gumi's smoldering gaze fixed on me from the opposite end of the room.

It's so weird nobody's noticed yet.


	36. Stop, Drop and Roll

The fist school day after my new album's release was expected to be busy. Some of my schoolmates happen to be fans, and while they can sometimes be overbearing, their congratulations were always civil enough.

However, I didn't expect a whole new level of busy. The entire building was abuzz with gossip, whispers, and exclamations. I didn't know the source until Miku sat in front of me and smacked a magazine on my table.

I've read my share of those glossy papers. Most of them include the highest level of hypocrisy (“you are beautiful as you are so you should be happy, but here; a new trick to lose weight, because there’s only one kind of beach body!”), mixed with absurd levels of gossip.

I did not, however, expect to be on the front cover, with Lily photo-shopped at my side.

My first instinct had been to panic. I wanted to abandon ship, fly away, deny everything, and frantically so.

Luckily, my reason got the better of my natural impulse. I calmly took the magazine, raised an eyebrow, and asked what the big deal was.

I pretended it was merely more gossip. How irregular was that? With a new album, the artist resurfaces to the viral news, and slander multiples like wildfire. Miku caught up on her mistake quickly enough; she saw that making a big deal of it would only make it more difficult to sincerely deny.

Yet my heart beat like a wild drum. It wasn't like when I was with Lily; the happy, light thump. This was a hard, painful, irregular pounding.

The gossip was spot on. It had hit the bull's eye in every way. Not only was the main speculation accurate, but the usual far-fetched reasoning behind it was actually grounded and frighteningly close to reality. They had no pictures except for our “friendly” dinners and visits to the movies, but the story told it all.

What scared me most was the half of the story which looked at it with hate, and my schoolmates who felt they needed to make sure “this monstrosity” wasn't real.

I felt I needed to call my parents, though. Either they get the news through speculation, or they get it from the source. They'll hate me, but I still love them enough to at least tell them in person.


	37. Hate

The gossipers say so many things that most of the time, they say absolute crap, but sometimes they happen to stumble upon the truth.

Fortunately, any kind of reliable news source didn't bat an eye at our story. After all, the magazine's only reason to start talking about Gumi and me is because Gakupo mentioned my present on some social media account. If you put that with tons of unused photos of us having dinner, then you got the perfect recipe for gossip. Just add a story and voilà; a new source of easy income.

Gumi, however, took it on another level. I thought we could just wait it out. She, on the other hand, planned ahead. Of course, we weren't going to come forward and confess, I said. I thought she was scared. Turns out it was her parents all along. She couldn't bear them hearing such things from the media, think it's a lie, and then actually have their daughter dating another woman.

She was scared, though. She was scared of how her parents would perceive her. They weren't religious nuts to my knowledge. They just happened to dislike irregular love, as they called it. But Gumi wanted to come out to them either way. She wanted them to hear the truth from her.

I hate the idea of coming out of the closet. Love shouldn't be made so special, it shouldn't be perceived as something irregular. Normalize it, I thought.

But she said that nowadays, with people still so against it, it deserves to be handled with caution.

She looked so sick while saying it. Nothing could stop her from boarding the next train, though. She didn't want me to come with her. I hated that, but as I said, nothing could stop her.

She would stay overnight, and tell them at noon the following day. She did just that. She was back home around two in the afternoon.

It hadn't gone well.

The silver lining is that they promised not to tell anyone, even as they kicked her out.

But Gumi's still crying and damn I hate that.


	38. Sadness

I think they understood my efforts. They knew that I loved them and that I respected them. They knew I was merely living my own life. I wasn't being ungrateful. I wasn't doing it to spite them.

Even so, after I spent an entire evening with them, spent the night in my childhood bedroom, ate breakfast with them...after all that, the moment I told them, suddenly I was a stranger. An alien. I wasn't normal.

It was so painful. I thought that maybe, after sticking with them a few hours, showing them that I hadn't changed, I was still Gumi, their daughter, their blood, and that it had been with me the whole time, they would see. But no.

I didn't cry, at first. I had no luggage, so walking out was easy. The look on their faces was so evidently unkind that I immediately knew that my mere presence with them was an insult.

Before I was totally out of the house, they did say that they'd keep quiet. I have hope, but so little of it. Their only motivation to stay quiet is probably shame.

It was only when I returned to my new, real home that I started crying. I opened the door with tears in my eyes and Gakupo could only ask what had gone wrong.

He had no idea, of course. I passed it off as a terrible few days and that suddenly the cup had overflowed, but nonetheless I ran to Lily's room. I couldn't hide that.

Lily... I love her so much. She's the source of so much happiness for me. No matter the amount of pain caused by her standing next to me, she will never again be a bad thing in my eyes. I don't fear her, and I don't fear what will come from being with her. In my moment of sadness, I felt strong, my love for her felt strong, because not even the most hateful comments could even instill doubt in my mind.

Were we ready to tell the world? No, we weren't, quite yet. I knew I was, but I couldn't speak for her. Now that I lost my family, I can go through hell's fire.

That doesn't stop the pain, though. I cried for days.


	39. Time

Like all gossip, “we” died down eventually too, at least in the eye of the public. Of course, we didn't really die down. If anything, we got even closer.

My mother's birthday came up soon after the sadness dissipated, and Gumi and I both thought it was a good occasion to meet her and my dad. We didn't tell them, though. I knew it would have been OK, and she knew, too, but the time just wasn't right. Despite the meeting, party, and everything going exceedingly well, I don't think Gumi was totally over her clash with her parents. She wasn't crying at all and slept well, but whenever the subject hit a bit close to home, she got silent, only to be vicious when talking. I could only do so much, and that hurt, too.

On the bright side, she knew my folks, my childhood friends and peers. She got to see my high school, and all of my favorite hide outs.

Time and distraction made it all better, I suppose. Time flew by as it tended to; our six-month anniversary was celebrated, almost despite myself. Gumi had kept track, and while we both thought that anniversaries every other week were silly, the first half year really was something. The fact that she had actually remembered was the sweetest thing.

School kept going, too. She dealt with it as it went. Gossip never changed, and she managed to stay level-headed, no matter the news. Work was something we shared; being a singer wasn't a laughing matter in the slightest. We spent entire afternoons separated, talking with crew, managers, supervisors, designers, and the other Internet Co. Vocaloids.

It was a real surprise when Gakupo asked us straight out if we were dating or not. He had picked up on the hints, he said. Of course, because he was asking out of pure curiosity, all the while being understanding, we realized he would take it well. Gumi was the one who actually said it, by the way. It's marvelous to hear her say “Yes, we're dating.” It makes you feel proud, you know?


	40. Forever

It truly was difficult. While Lily was there for me, she couldn't always be. School, work, and other people made it impossible for her to comfort me when I needed her most. I couldn't seek refuge in others; they'd ask what was wrong, they'd ask why.

I stayed very quiet most of the time. When Lily and I were safe from the world she'd hold me for hours on end. And it wasn't like when we first met. It wasn't the cute hugs of a blossoming love. They were the comforting hugs, trying to mend a heart who had suffered the consequences of love.

I'm not particularly brave, I'm not unique in this kind of case. We are not unique. Yet, this physical loneliness was unbearable most of the time.

I met Lily's family and friends, and I got to hold her hand as she walked me down her memory lane. They were great people, and Lily had a great past. I got to know her more and more, despite all I already knew.

Eventually the pain diminished almost totally. It was an epiphany, rather. I had woken up one morning, and saw the wall on the opposite end of the room. Lily was next to me, sleeping, breathing deeply. I turned, and looked at her.

What did I have?

My best friends, Miku and the twins, knew of us. Gakupo knew, as well.

I had a great job; even if I decided to quit at that moment I knew I was set for life.

I had a roof, a bed.

But I didn't have my parents. Did I truly require them, though? I had learned my life lessons, they had nothing left to teach me that others couldn’t.

Most importantly, I had the love of my life. I had one short, mortal run on this planet. If I'm lucky, I might get to see a century go by. I knew that the thing that I wanted most, was to spend the rest of my life with her.

Lily.

It had only been only a bit more than half a year, but I could already envision all my remaining half-years, all my life, just like that moment. I would wake up, happy. I would work, be productive, do what I love. I would come home to this wonderful person.

Except I thought I'd always love my parents. I thought that it was a bond that wouldn't ever break.

How could I be so sure that we'd last forever?


	41. Abandon

I'd love to pretend that things are great. Unfortunately, pretending can only get you that far.

No worries, things _are_ great, to some extent. Time goes by, things happen, the usual. But I feel like some things are happening behind my back, and I don't know what it is, exactly. Don't get me wrong, I trust Gumi, but I feel like she's hiding something.

When people keep something a secret, it's to protect themselves or someone else. I know that Gumi is perfectly reasonable and would only lie for that single purpose. Yet it feels like when we were just getting to know each other; the time she was avoiding me. She recently admitted it was because she didn't know how to handle the “falling in love with Lily” thing. But that was then; what is it this time? Now, it's less physically avoiding me and rather keeping quiet. She's not telling me much at all.

At first I thought it was still about her parents. But I saw her talking with other people, and it's different. She talks as if nothing is wrong, when I'm not there. At Crypton, I can hear her and her friends through the bloody walls. They joke, mess around, etc. But when she's with me, she only says things I already know.

It hurt, because it felt like she didn't want to confide in me anymore.

This thing lasted for about a month. Most of the time it was me just denying it, until I woke up, slapped myself, and remembered my old mantra of not denying crap like this. Then I thought about it for a few days.

The facts were that she had spent more than half a year with me, mostly in secret, then because of that, lost her parents.

Did she blame me? Had that damaged our relationship?

Remember, long ago, when I refused to give up our friendship because it had become too much to me to give up? Same thing here, except now I'd rather die than bail out.

So I talked to her. I really tried to. She didn't tell me anything.

It hurt.


	42. Rejection

Being rejected by my parents was painful. I was their child, and they were my mom, my dad. They had raised me, protected me, encouraged me, held me up. And then they decided to shut their door to me.

I had left so many things behind with them. My entire life, my entire past, all of my memories were things that I remembered with my parents standing in the background. The slightest thing reminded me of them.

Lily had helped. In the many memories in which my parents stood, watching over me, they had been replaced by her.

At first it was a blessing, the perfect medicine to seal a bleeding wound. Except now, all of my dearest memories have Lily in them. Most of the best moments of my life had her.

If I lost her, I would have nobody to help me the way she had. My mind would be tainted with hateful parents and a wonderful thing that had once been.

I became obsessed with keeping her, and at the same time, denying her. I couldn't afford giving her more of me. Counterproductive as it sounded, as unhealthy as it was, it worked for a while. I could spend time with her, without giving her more of my heart.

She confronted me one day, though. I was so scared. I knew that I had made the wrong decision, quite despite myself. If I had told her, she might have gotten angry and made my nightmares come true. She would have left, and my heart would have clung to her, preferring to sever itself from me, leaving me empty.

Why wouldn't she leave, really? Our relationship was troublesome; it had to be a secret, we had to make extra effort so that nobody could see. It was tiring; even I felt that. And now she's spending time with someone who wouldn't give her part to this? Who would work for no pay? Who would gamble with absolutely no chance of getting any money back?

I denied her my answers. I hurt her.

I was lost.


	43. Run

If Gumi thinks she can suffer alone she's wrong. She's never been more wrong.

I know I shouldn't stick my nose in other people's business, girlfriend or not, but I'm making it my business.

Except she won’t talk to me.

However, she does talk to Miku and Co. Who knew they'd ever be of actual use? Of course I don't actually talk to them that much. I mean, I have more recently, but still not much.

I used Luka to get to them. I asked her to ask Miku to ask Gumi if something was wrong. I'd get the message back the same way. Luka, despite being a little devil herself, didn't really like taking such sneaky strategies to extract information from someone.

But dammit I love the girl, and she's hurting. She won't let me help directly. What other choice did I have?

Then she asked what I'd do, if it was particularly bad news.

I'd live with it. I would. Luka agreed to help, but reluctantly.

The plan was put into motion in the afternoon, after lunch. It worked well. Too well. That evening, after Miku could relay what she got to Luka, my friend called me and told me everything. Apparently, Gumi started talking pretty quickly, the moment after Miku asked. She was bottling it up.

At first I was pretty torn between thinking it was sweet, and thinking it was terrible. She can't bear to lose me, which is romantic in its own way, but damn it doesn't work like that.

But then I heard the whole story and I could understand a little. I forced myself to understand, because if it caused Gumi so much pain, it wasn't easy for her, either.

I didn’t sleep that night. Gumi wasn't with me, so I was alone, in my bed, tossing and turning.

It was hell. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with this emptiness next to me.

I ended up understanding her a little bit more, thanks to that. The following morning, I called her on her phone, since she'd already left to school. The moment I told her we needed to talk, she hung up.

Wrong words. Shit.

So, I decided to go to her. If she's going to run, then I'm going to run with her.


	44. End of the Road

I couldn't even hide it from my friends. Miku had asked me what was going on.

I told her. It was bursting from my lungs. My heart was crying from the repeated lashing, making me go insane, loosening my tongue.

I don't think she understood at first. Who would refuse to bond with someone you wanted to be with forever? It made no sense.

But even if I wanted to be with her forever, there was no guarantee. Life was filled with uncertainties. I wanted to be with Lily. But if we had to break up...I wouldn't be able to handle the pain.

I cried on Miku's shoulder, after hours later, returned home with the other Internet Co. Vocaloids. Lily tried to talk to me, but I had a bad feeling. I locked myself in my room, with only a weak, over-used excuse in my defense.

The bed was cold. I didn't sleep.

The following day, shortly after sitting down in class, Lily called me. She told me we needed to talk. My heart simply stopped. I felt it literally stop.

I hung up. Class was about to start. Miku sent me inquisitive glances but I decided to ignore it.

I was going insane, wasn't I? And I thought it was getting really bad when I thought I saw Lily walking towards me, in the hall, about an hour later.

Turns out, she really was there.

I blabbered excuses to the teachers, while Rin, Len and Miku simply watched, puzzled, as I was dragged away, by the hand, into the nearest classroom.

It was empty, thank goodness. I wouldn't know how to explain this to anybody.

Lily was in my school! What was I supposed to say? It clearly wasn't any kind of friendly visit...

Then, she started crying. She pinned me against the wall and looked at me, tears filling her eyes.

She said that life was scary. There was, really, no guarantee. And, if I fear a breakup so much, it only meant that I really didn't want it to happen. And that, that meant that it wouldn't happen any time soon.

She told me she wanted to help me, to be there for me. She said she knew it was difficult but it was  _worth it._ She didn't care about anything but my happiness. She told me how powerless she felt, because I wouldn't let her be there for me. She said I was being silly. She said I was forgetting her; she also wanted us to stay together, and she admitted, that if we were to break up, it would hurt her, too. But there was no reason to break up so far. There was no reason to fear it. I didn't have to be afraid.

She rambled, in a disorganized fashion. But the main idea was there.

Of course, all I needed was Lily to shake me back in my place. I just needed someone to slap some reason into me.

I was being stupid. I was being silly. I was being hurtful, reckless.

And yet, there she was, forgiving, understanding.

I didn't care how she knew. All I really cared about was the fact that I had gone against her at least three different ways recently...and she was still there.

Being sure of the future was for those who were in an unstable situation, she said. She had never needed to be sure of how long we'd last, because all her mind was on was making me happy. It was fastened into place, unwavering.

I found that her certainty was pulling my uneasiness down. Almost too quickly, I was cemented in place, with her.

When she was done, all I had to say was that I loved her. And I smiled.

She knew me well enough to read my eyes. I had needed that. I was so thankful. I was reassured. She was there for me. And, for the foreseeable future, she always would be.

I hugged her really tight, leaning against the wall, supporting the both of us. She was also shaking, crying almost, but we both laughed breathlessly.

I was happy for the first time in weeks. I was deeply content, there in her arms.


	45. Explosions

For a second there, I forgot I was in her school, of all places. A place filled with people, young people, who like to gossip.

So, I happened to forget to care about people seeing or hearing us. I think she forgot, too.

In any case, soon after I was done yelling at her, really soon after we started hugging it out, the door opened.

And then I remembered everything.

Like a deer in the headlights I stared at the fuming teacher. He demanded to know what was going on. Of course, he was asking Gumi, his student. His student, which I happened to be hugging to death.

Behind him stood Miku, Rin, Len, and two dozen other acne-riddled, pubescent creeps who had no idea what the hell was going on. I'd bet there were more behind them.

Slowly, I let Gumi go, still staring at the teacher. I tried to make it look innocent enough. Well, a hug is innocent. I tried to make it look like we didn't just have a lover's quarrel or something.

Turns out, Gumi didn't give two shits. She openly answered the teacher, in front of twenty-something visible kids, that we were just talking something out.

We're coworkers, hiccups are bound to happen at the office or wherever they imagined we worked. So, that was a sensible answer, I suppose. She could have stopped there. But no, the teacher had to be a teacher and he started insisting. He asked why it couldn't wait, and why I had to barge into his oh-so-holy realm of teaching.

I said that Gumi didn't care, just now. She really didn't anymore. She didn't at all.

“Love doesn't ever wait,” she said.

I felt my neck snap when I turned to look at her as fast as I humanly could.

She was smiling. That meant the hiding part of our relationship was over. We were officially out. I smiled too.

The teacher started stammering something, Miku clapped, and forty-something eyes were darting all over the place.

Love?

Fuck yes, I love this girl. And she loves me too.

Gumi decided before me to kill all remaining doubt. Because fuck doubt. She kissed me, possessed, smiling as she did so.

You know me. Of course I returned the kiss. The others could go screw themselves sideways; it was the best kiss of my life and I was savoring it.

After that woke me up, I regained my straightforward, tactless way of mind. I grinned at the teacher, who had decided to stop trying and had finally shut up. I kissed Gumi's brow, and told her that I'd see her later that day, at work.

Then I apologized to Sir-Realm-of-Teaching for the intrusion and made my way out. All I needed was a pair of sunglasses, because I was that guy in the movies who walks away from explosions without looking back.

Except I looked back, just to wave to my girlfriend before I disappeared.


	46. The End

We didn't get as much trouble as we thought we might. Sure, at first all existing media wanted a story. Vocaloids were no little deal, everybody knew, and everybody wanted to know more. They questioned everybody, and we gave permission to our friends to say what they wanted to say. Luka said she saw it coming. Miku said she had known for a while. Gakupo said he was happy for us. Rin and Len said they had never seen Lily so happy.

Our managers, technical and artistic staff at work couldn't care less. They used their brains and knew that if it had been happening for a while without them noticing, that meant we hadn't changed in the slightest from one day to the next, and have always been normal.

We received mail of all kinds. While this wasn't irregular, the mail came in like a tsunami, with mostly positive messages, but many hateful words were in the mix. Did we care about those? No, we did not.

Eventually Gumi's parents called. They wanted to meet Lily, so we all met up. She got along with them well enough, homophobia or not. While things hadn't been fixed, they were less bitter.

The other Vocaloids of all the different companies sent congratulations or nothing at all. The silent ones were probably jealous of our sudden spike in sales. Competition's a bitch, isn't it.

Eventually the craze died down. We became just another celebrity couple, except we were a stable one. There wasn't a headline every other week about us possibly fighting. After another year, we were hardly heard of on the couple front. Only during an interview, occasionally, some guy asked how things were going.

And things were only getting better. They say that love lasts three years, and even after four years, well after Gumi's graduation from high school, after getting her BA in musical history, and after a few fights, it was still there. While it probably wasn't the burning passion it used to be, it was still a strong, glowing flame. Doubt never had any place in our minds. Our jobs could be hectic and time-consuming, our peers could be contrary, but we had friends, we shared an amazing job, and we were happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! If you have any constructive criticism, I'll be glad to hear it, even if this is a very old project.  
> This was the first of a few stories I'll be crossposting from my fanfiction account, so there's much more on the way!


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